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My favorite thing to do
when I was eight years old was reading comics with my friend
Rossi. He was my age but in many ways much older and oddly enough,
one of my escorts into a bigger, more complicated world.
Rossi was the quintessential 'fat kid.' In later years he would
go one of two ways: Overpowering bully or gentle giant. In that
young year of 1956 it was hard to tell. He had reddish-blonde
hair cut in a 'butch', which meant it was shaved down to within
an inch of its life and it loomed over two tiny little eyes in
a chubby face. His lips were too-full and his belly was already
hanging over the waistband of his cut-off jeans. He was at all
times barefoot, for it was deep summer, and there was always
a ring of dirt around his neck. There was probably a similar
deposit around my own tiny collar because I went everywhere Rossi
went and did everything Rossi did.
But,
like I said, when the days got too hot and the swimming pool
was closed for cleaning, our favorite thing was comics.
You could find the two of us with twin pink cuds of Double-Bubble
gum snapping and sticking to our noses, water-cooler sweat on
our brows, down on the floor of Rossi's den surrounded by the
bright colored, 24 page foci of our shared passion. With smudged
fingers we'd turn the pages of a Superman or a Donald Duck (they
all got equal time—we
didn't discriminate) as we both became part of that world kids
love to travel in.
I liked Rossi because he had a fine feel for the ridiculous
that matched my own and I hadn't learned to be judgmental yet.
Hadn't learned to put people in boxes according to size and weight
and social skills. It was just me and Rossi on any given summer
afternoon arguing the prowess of Aqua-Man vs. Batman, joking
about Little Lotta and Baby Huey being the perfect couple, making
our solemn well-thought-out declarations on the comparative merits
of this or that super hero with all the somber tones of the true
comic afficionado. Cicadas sang their summer song outside and
nobody had ever heard of a personal computer or a 401K and Davy
Crockett in his coon-skin cap was the guy we all wanted to be.
Kids stuff.
One day we snuck up to the attic to find what Rossi called 'growd-up'
books. We were comic-ed out and needed more mature material to
fire our imaginations. Or maybe the lure of the forbidden drove
us there. Probably the latter. What kid exists that hasn't pushed
a boundary or two every once in a while?
We crawled through the dust and cobwebs, sneezing and blowing
over the junk and mildew that had been collecting up there for
many years and found stacks of old Argosy's and Saga's and True's.
Mens magazines. Not sexy or provocative in the general sense,
but mags full of 'men's' tales. And there, in that heap of World
War II relics his dad had likely been hoarding since his return
from the war and before there even was a Rossi, we found stories
of men on the high seas, men in the African jungles, men with
big knives in their teeth saving beautiful third-world girls
in scanty little dresses. It was all very exciting.
And then we found the stuff about the death camps.
I turned those pages slowly because this was. . .different.
Those pages were full of horrible pictures of bodies. Pages and
pages of emaciated, burned, twisted bodies. Folks. . .just ordinary
folks, who'd been terrorized, tortured and murdered. People stacked
like so much cordwood. Piles of human remains.
It couldn't be true, because things like that just couldn't
be. Somebody would come and stop it, wouldn't they? Somebody,
maybe God, would fix it before that happened, right? Some great
and powerful hand would come down and throw a flag. . . some
righteous and benevolent hand would call a foul and it would
all be just a do-over.
Evidently not.
Because there was the evidence, right there in lurid black and
white and then there was the text, the written word, that told
the terrible stories that went with it.
It made me cry. In front of Rossi I cried and he cried with
me. Maybe out of sympathy, maybe out of not knowing what else
to do.
But I knew. And knowing. . .oh, man. . .knowing is hard.
It changed me. And I would never be innocent any more. I would
never view another sunrise or a swing-set or a trip to the Dairy
Queen for ice cream in the same way. . .ever. Because it was
out there . It wasn't all cotton candy and red soda pop. There
were things going on I couldn't understand, real pain in the
world, people the same color as me being brutalized. . . and
Rossi and I never read comics together again.
10,000 miles and twenty five years later I read a book by an
up and coming author named Stephen King. The name of the book
was Danse Macabre and in it he described the very same scene
I just depicted.
He told the story of his own personal memories of that same
comic book fascination, the discovery of hidden horrors in the
attic and what it did to him in terms of how he would view the
rest of his life. It resonated through me like that fine thing
that happens when a tuning fork reaches perfect pitch and you
know it's right there. That's when I became a Stephen King fan.
Not because of the stories he tells but because of that one collective
memory we share.
I knew him better right then than I would ever know him through
tens of thousands of words in dozens of novels. He and I had
a connection. And more than that, I realized I had a bigger connection
to the world out there. I wasn't the only one. Others before
me had unsuitable and fantastical thoughts born of trauma and
pain. Others before me came to that same common realization that
we are all more or less connected, never mind how painfully,
at the core.
King and I are the same age. And it is entirely possible we
were both making our discoveries at the same moment. Poking through
some dark attic, involved in the same uncovering of bigger truths,
1500 miles between us but still on the same wave-length.
Stephen King has gone on to tell hundreds of stories, but right
then, on the pages of that odd little book, Danse Macabre, he
was telling mine. And of all the stories he's told, that is the
one I like best.
I only saw Rossi one more time. The night before he left for
Vietnam. He had grown strong and upright and clear-eyed. He came
into a bar I frequented and I knew it was him right away. We
shared a pitcher of Coors and talked about. . . things. After
the initial excitement of seeing each other again, catching up
on the strange and surreal turns our individual lives had taken,
we got down to brass tacks. I don't remember who mentioned it
first but the subject of what we found in the attic came up around
the third beer. We walked around it, circling it like a tandem
team of wolves trying to decide the best way to come in for the
kill and suddenly we both realized we were once more, maybe for
the last time, on common ground. Surrounded by the juke-box magic
of Creedence Clearwater, grown up in a Seventies world neither
one of us could have ever imagined we were dually transported
back to that hot steamy attic and for just a moment the years
and miles between us evaporated. Once again it was just the two
of us, remembering the time we both found out how bad, how awfully
bad, it could really be.
We agreed it was a pivotal moment for both of us. That's all.
We left it at that.
I hope he's still out there somewhere, Rossi. And I hope he
remembers Superman and The Hulk and maybe, just maybe, he found
that same passage in that same book and realized it was all right.
Maybe he read that simple King story at the same time I did.
It's not impossible. We are, after all, the same age. And maybe,
light years later he knows for himself the simple connective
truth of all humanity.
We are never alone. |