Darkness in My Wake

Death one, Louis:
a fragging the media called it
It was murder

Death two, Grandpa Fletch:
complications of aging

Death three, Aunt Kathy:
reason unknown

So cold here…
I touch the wall—
it feels lifeless
A clear reminder of my pain.
I don't like the flat lifeless
surface against my hand
I imagine that is what
emptiness feels like
I move my hand from the wall
It feels to comprehensible
making. Mortality and nothingness
suddenly a reality

I have more questions
than answers.
The reality of never hearing—
seeing them again
Bring on that hollow feeling
and I question all the
religious reasoning created
to deal with this finality
called death

My heart hurts
there is no comfort—
my soul—spirit—mind
want to scream

Can I throw something—
damage something
just so someone
can see how
outraged I am?

I have such hostile
thoughts about all the pat
cliches people say
when someone dies.

I don't want to hear them.
I know the cliches
will come
if i talk—tell anyone
about my loss

My reaction—a barrier
between myself
and the person trying
to be kind

You know what
I want to say?
"FUCK YOU"
That’s it.
In two words.

I don't want to accept this
I want to see Fletch's smile
I want Louis to grow old
with his wife
I want my aunt here.

The knot in my throat
is choking back the tears.
The internal struggle
to maintain my composure.

I need to escape
the flood of emotion—
it will find me.

The pain is cumulative now
Too many moments of composure

My intellect serves no purpose;
it is hurting my ability
to grieve and embrace
the pain in my heart.

Allowing myself this
human indulgence
will remove
the constant darkness
in my wake.

Let me embrace
this sorrowful moment
before it buries itself,
appearing at time
when my daughter
needs me to smile.

This time it’s
out of my control;
I can’t take care
of the world today.

My aunt died.
She was taken
sooner than I can bear.

Why does my last memory
have to be
a brief phone call ...
she said,
'I love you honey"
and visiting her
in the hospital
Christmas Eve.

I have so many regrets—.
life goes by—
there used to be,
I will do it tomorrow.
there are no more tomorrows—
no more calls—
no more holidays

I don’t want this.
Please let me wake
from this…go back
in time ...
leave no darkness
in my wake.

Bring them all back
no money—
no sacrifice—
no act can change this

My head knows this
My heart doesn't understand.

There are no more words